The Gray Place

I hate Monday, I plan on drinking all night.

Posted in General Me, WoW by mrfenris on April 5, 2010

(had this conversation via gchat while posting)

me: There are days where it takes two brandy’s before I can do the dishes

today is such a day

Will: I’m not so picky with prostitutes names

me: Very good

the police will never find their bodies.

I don’t believe in traditional wisdoms like “all” mondays suck or things that supposedly everyone knows….

but mondays suck cock.

every single one of them

Will: hah

Sent at 5:29 PM on Monday

My day is a series of wins and losses.   Every time I manage to get a win (I work for City government, this does not happen often), I end up being dealt a losing blow.  For every little old lady I break the rules for and make her happy (and safer), I get a Councilman calling my Director and asking me why I don’t care about his district.

Win.  Punch in the face.  My home is like that too.  (Secret: I am not complaining, I love my family and my life.  It’s mine.)  For every step forward I take on getting something paid  off, something goes out and needs to be replaced.  To me it’s just part of life.

It’s a series of absolutes both “positive” and “negative” with you the person bouncing in between them.  Life, death, happiness, misery, we humans live in the spaces in between them.  I never characterize my life as peaceful.  In fact it’s a series of conflicts.  That doesn’t mean I’m angsty, but my life is hardly ever at peace.  Fight, win, lose, fight, win, lose.  From the moment you are born, you are headed towards your “end”.  I don’t think it’s a pessimistic statement, instead it teaches us the value of the “good” things along the way.

Honesty is a quality I try to maintain in myself.  Oh I’m still human and have been known to trick myself into believing something because it’s “easy”, but I try to be honest with my interactions with the world.

One of my biggest flaws as a person is I try to do everything myself.  I handle this, and this, and this, and this.  To admit that I cannot do something is a weakness.  (Secret:  I was brought up that weaknesses were for other people).  I have really tried to retrain myself not to grab onto every new task that pops up in front of me.   Every time I grabbed more and more I realized that overall my quality and performance was suffering.  The fact that I was overextending myself became my weakness.

Stepping down as a GM of my guild was the single best thing I ever did for my enjoyment and playing ability.  Instead of micro-managing every single aspect of my online getaway from real life, I was able to just log in and play a video game.  I could act like myself (which is FAR from perfect) without worrying about how I was impacting the social structure I helped create.  One of the first things I did after I resigned was let a certain guild member know what I really thought about him no holds barred without pulling any punches because I was worried about setting an example.

It was the equivalent of walking into your bosses office, resigning, walking out and punching the one guy you can’t stand right in the mouth.  I never claimed to be perfect.

However soon my dumbass habit snuck back in and I found myself asking for more and more responsibilities.  Sometimes I’d tell myself I was taking them on because other people weren’t doing them or they were being performed poorly.  I might have been justified once or twice but overall it was me up to my old trick of biting off more than I could chew.

Soon I was back in charge as a Raid Officer, Recruiter, Guild Mom, and general all around guy everyone could come to with their problems.  Let me take a break and clarify.  Helping out your guild because the GM gets busy in real life is one thing.  I wasn’t doing this.  Instead I was taking everything on because I felt like if I couldn’t that somehow I was failing.

I hit a breaking point.  I was pretty close to just saying my good-byes and walking away.  (Zero drama mind you.  I had no problems with my guild.  My problem was that I didn’t like the way I was interacting with it.  It wasn’t about Warcraft.  It was about my tendency to take on too much.)  Instead I explained my frustrations to a friend about all the things I didn’t like that I was handling and he very clearly pointed out…then I should stop doing them.

Duh.  I know.  See that’s usually my advice to people.  Take a big cleaver and chop ALL of the bad stuff out and enjoy what you have left.  I realized he was 100% correct.  I immediately informed my GM that I wasn’t going to be handling recruitment anymore and I made a promise to myself that I was going to focus on the one single aspect of the game that I enjoyed.

Raiding and raid leading.

I don’t chase people around anymore and try to fix every single problem in the guild (which are very few), I don’t obsess over being online to make sure I can interview a new applicant, I don’t log in just because I’m a veteran member and a helpful guy.

I just log in and play when I feel like it and I just log in to get my raid team through the nights content.  I feel 100% free to enjoy myself.  I have a sneaking suspicion that one day I’m going to step down from raid leading in the next few months and just become another random guild member.

In a strange little way, I can’t wait.

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3 Responses

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  1. miakoda said, on April 6, 2010 at 3:41 am

    Whoever gave you the reality smack, you owe him a beer. Just saying.

    I do the same thing, taking on too much and finding it nigh impossible to say no if I think I can help. Doing it at work sucks; doing it at work and during your freetime is just insane … and yet, I keep doing it. /sigh

    I’m glad you’re backing off on the responsibilities so you can just enjoy the game for a while. That is theoretically why we play them, right?

    • mrfenris said, on April 6, 2010 at 5:32 pm

      I play them to meet chicks. Like you.

      Yeah, I hear you. I still do it at work. I’m getting ready to ramp up with summer coming so soon it’ll be paperwork every night at home and going in on the weekends.

      It was Terling. I figure I’ll just feel him up for his birthday as a thank you.

  2. miakoda said, on April 6, 2010 at 6:35 pm

    I play them to meet chicks. Like you.

    Bah, that’s what comic shops and tabletop games are for. Werewolf, FTW!

    And I demand photo rights if you’re getting frisky with the Terling. That goes in the scrapbook by the pic of you dancing with Andy so we can show your kids’ future dates where it all went horribly awry.


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