The Gray Place

Me So Hordey

Posted in Riffs, WoW by mrfenris on September 17, 2010

I have a fan boy confession to make.

I don’t like Alliance players.

I think your all soft.

In the real life, I don’t dislike people who are “opposite” of me.  I enjoy people who vote differently then I do.  People who believe in things I don’t.  I like people who aren’t like me.  One of my closest friends used to be a guy who was a long-haired 80’s metal throwback, extremely soft-spoken, vegetarian, and one of the most polite people I’ve ever met.  One of the reasons we got on so well is we were complete opposites.  (Well that and because he was taller than myself or my wife and when he’d come over she’d make him be useful and get down things from the top shelf for us short people.  It’s was a bitch waiting to refill the napkin holder until he came back over.  Motherfucker had dirty hands yo.)

Anyway.

I find strength in the conflict of personalities, ideas, and beliefs.  It’s in this scrum that I think we find out who we really are and who someone else really is. Yet oddly enough there are certain “oppositional” subcultures I can’t stand.  (I’m looking at you Chicago sports fans.)

Blizzard has done a fantastic job in giving some of us a team-like identity with the Horde and Alliance.  I see people wearing faction clothing, owning faction specific license plates, faction tattoos, faction birthday cakes, etc.  During Wrath’s launch we saw people dress up in costumes, shout “For the Horde!” at their Alliance counterparts, and even swig red or blue Mountain Dew is accordance with their allegiance.  Craziness.  You don’t even see that level of commitment at NFL games.

Even though pro-sports fans may paint their faces, have Nascar numbers on their cars, and sing their teams songs on the way to the pub, they don’t have their own specific flavor of soda.  (FYI “Horde” Mountain Dew raises your DPS…it also makes you pee blood and your kidneys disintegrate.)

So I’m sitting here asking my self why I illogically and narrow-mindly believe that all Alliance players are soft panty waists.  (Who the fuck came up with the term Panty Waist anyway?  I think that’s my next guild name.)  I mean I KNOW this isn’t true.  (Yes it is.)

I think it’s because I identify with certain aspects of the Horde that I just can’t find in the Alliance.  To me the Alliance are a bunch of blue, bland, white guys, sitting around waiting for an old biddy’s cat to get stuck in a tree so they can rescue it then tug on their yonks about how good and virtuous they are.

Give me the flawed, fatalistic, chip on their shoulder, long-suffering Horde any day.  They’ve been Demonic slaves, murderers, prisoners, and rebels.  For fun they chop down forests, burn villages, and leave their socks in the bathroom.  These are guys I wanna hang out with.

I find nothing three-dimensional and “human” about the Alliance.  I just can’t get into them.  Boring ass NPC white people.  (Nothing wrong with white folks mind you.  I’m a half-breed, fairly “white” myself, and I married a white girl so I could get better interest rates from the bank.  No.  Seriously I just married her for her credit score and her smart genes.  I’m hoping my kids go back to the near-dark side now they I’ve done my genetic/economic pillaging.)

Anyway.

Yeah.  I just can’t get into the Alliance.

mrfenris: “Hey cool shirt.”
stranger: “Thank’s it’s a video game.  I’m a gamer.”
mrfenris: “Oh cool me too!  What do you play?”
stranger: *sheepishly* “I play World of Warcraft…”
mrfenris: “Oh shit!  Me too!  What server!??”
stranger: *excited* “I play on Trollnipple, I’ve got an Alliance druid, paladin and priest!”
mrfenris: “Oh.”
stranger: “What’s wrong?”
mrfenris: “Nothing.  Can I get a number 1 supersized with a diet Pepsi?”

Alliance are just so…so…so “dry humpy”.  Whereas to me the Horde is like a crazed mix of snorted cocaine, Barry White, Fight Club, and Gianna Micheals.

At least that’s what I think of.

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6 Responses

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  1. el ranchero said, on September 20, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    I have the same prejudice, and I’m not generally one to talk.

  2. Adam said, on September 21, 2010 at 3:57 pm

    It’s, “you’re” all soft, grammar loser.

    I play Alliance so I can look at my hawtie night elf’s butt all day. Jiggling along the road …

    • Irmie said, on September 21, 2010 at 5:31 pm

      I liked Adam until I learned he was Alliance. You can’t be serious and be Alliance. You are like the blond co-ed students who think they are smart, they look like they could be, but really it’s just Daddy’s money paying your way. You are the fake wow, the plastic barbie. However your grammar is very good.

      • mrfenris said, on September 21, 2010 at 7:38 pm

        You be quiet.

        You say things like aboot, colour, and call soda, pop.

    • mrfenris said, on September 21, 2010 at 7:35 pm

      It’s “Night Elf”, you fail RPer.

      Let me wallow in my public school edumacation.

  3. Bee said, on November 3, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    A few months ago I ventured out and made an Alliance character. I wanted to see what Azeroth looked like through their eyes – especially the battlegrounds. The first BG I entered was WSG. It was a task in itself just to get used to the sound effects attached to the picking up and dropping of the Alliance and Horde flags. I had to get used to the fact that a sound that used to mean victory, now meant defeat.

    I think I was around level 26 or so and queued up and got a WSG. The Alliance were getting their asses handed to them in this particular match, and conversation about the loss began in BG chat.

    “You all suck.”
    “OMG NOOBS!”
    “Horde always wins!”
    “Well, then why don’t you roll Horde then??”
    “They might be better than us, but gosh they are ugly.”
    “YEAH! So ugly!!1! And we get to ride around on pretty kitty cats!!”


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