The Gray Place

Shellshocked Healers

Posted in Gaming, Preizt, Riffs, WoW by mrfenris on September 29, 2010

Healers are the goalies of World of Warcraft.

Once before my wife and my children HOOOOOOOOOBLITERATED my life, I played ice hockey.  (Right Defense to be precise.  You touch my goalie, I drill you into the ice.  Woot that rhymed.  I’m the Lyrical Gangsta.)

I played from when I was a kid all the way till I was a young, bright-eyed adult, full of promise, and hope.  Then I meet my wife and her ovaries and I became the burned-out, shell of a man that I am today.

Point being.  I’ve played awhile and due to my position I’ve played very closely to goalies.  I can say without a doubt that goalies are some of the weirdest, most neurotic, freaks I have ever met.  They have rituals, quirks, and these strange fevered eyes that roam around but never see anything but little black pucks being hurled at their nets.  They mutter, they stamp their feet, and they exist as beings of pure stored energy just waiting to explode into action or emotion.

I love them.  I have racked up penalty minutes for them.  I protect them.  (Oddly when I tank I feel the same way towards my healers.)  But sometimes I can’t stand them.  I can’t stand their inflexible quirks, their obsessive focus that makes them lose sight of the entire game and other players, and their pure nuttiness as they flit around like fragile ego’d butterflies in a thunderstorm.  You know they’re just waiting to rip off their face mask, their eyes bugged out and filled with madness, as they scream and throw themselves under the Zamboni.

That’s how I feel a lot of players who play healers are like.

“Don’t pull till I have full mana.”

“Don’t move till I’ve PoM you.”

“Don’t pull until I have 249804239 stacks of rejuv on you.”

“Don’t pull until I’m done drinking.”

“Death Knights, don’t death grip anything unless you’re the tank.”

“Don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t.”

Seriously.  It’s Heroic Violet Hold!?!?!  I have 90249k Health.  I don’t even NEED a healer.  Our DPS are pulling 12k each!  I normally don’t hear that many dont’s unless I’m trying to put the moves on my wife.  (Don’t judge.  If I was a quitter I wouldn’t have three kids.)

And now they get to add things like…

“stupid Blizz, if I wanted to DPS, I’d have rolled a DPS!”

…because of the Smite component of priest healing in Cataclysm.

Really?  Really?  Is it that hard to hit an extra button.  I’m so bored out of my skull when I’m healing as Disc in Heroics, I usually just switch to Shadow and DPS than heal as needed.  (Dungeon and tank dependant of course.)

Healers I understand you’ve got a lot of pressure on you.  But seriously,  lighten up Francis.  If someone gives you shit because they stood in a whirlwind and died and they’re giving you grief over it, tell them to eat shit and die.  If your tank is overpulling and can’t survive on his own, then guess what?  9/10 he’s a BAD tank.

Take a deep breath.  Heal your party.  Stop rocking back and forth between the pipes and enjoy the game a bit.

Serious.  Your going to go all Fist of the North Star and blow a vein in your head.  I know Ulduar and TOTGC, stretched you out, with twitch/spam/spike healing.

It’s okay little guy.  *holds out a candy bar* Come on out of your hole.

Cataclysm is supposed to fix it.

What’s the point of stereotyping if it isn’t offensive and immature?


5 Responses

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  1. ryoji said, on October 5, 2010 at 7:11 pm

    *eyes the candy bar suspiciously*
    great, now I have to talk to my pshrink about how the tanks actually DO know that I’m crazy. you forgot to mention the deeps with a fat ass that pull a second group that run a train on the healer before the tank even has a chance to notice. just sayin.
    I brought my own food. Hope you and the family are doing well.

    • mrfenris said, on October 7, 2010 at 12:35 am

      Hey RyRy.

      Thanks for the well wishes. I miss you moaning at me. No other man can moan at me the way you do.

  2. Dr Ale said, on November 2, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    as a burned out shell of a man who currently heals, but misses chopping wood in ultima online for extended periods of time while inebriated I full endorse your view on healers.

    oh and pally healers that were bored prolly sucked and resulted in the 2 heal stereo type that has resulted in turning us into rogues with bandages. (except less effective)


    Dr Ale./Cairne

    • mrfenris said, on November 3, 2010 at 12:36 pm

      I thought I was the only guy who got drunk while playing Ultima Online.

      Sheesh I spent HOURS farming Earth Elementals in that one dungeon.

      Then there was the old Blade Spirit, Dragon trick, where you stood on a ledge.


      I still remember killing tiny little birds for their feathers….

  3. Dr Ale said, on November 3, 2010 at 3:16 pm

    At the end of the beginning of UO (trying to assign a date to that time when uo hadn’t begun to fall yet, but was beginning to descend into anarchy when roving bands of mages in their undies firebombing at will) they always seemed to leave me alone out there while i chopped every tree and made them into arrows.

    I may have been like a street sign or landmark.

    for those not in the know, if you were killed via pvp in ultima the winner could loot your precious gear…..

    the horror

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